My Steaming Pile
by Oolon Colluphid
Summary: Story-rant satires of overused PJO fanfiction concepts.
1. 1: Breakups-Percy Destroys Camp

Percy was finally coming back to camp after a year of school. He was planning on proposing to Annabeth later that day, despite the fact that he was only 17. As soon as he returned to his cabin, he found a note. He read it. It said,

_Dear Percy,_

_I know we've known each other for 5 years and that we've been dating for 1 of them, but we have to break up. Sorry!_

Percy stormed over to the beach. He first cried a little, then sobbed uncontrollably, and then screamed in anger. The anger built up, and soon, he was floating into the air, surrounded by a green aura, with storms raging around him. The rain started to pick up, flooding the beach. The wind hammered against the cabins, and the waters of the ocean began crashing down in waves.

Then, logic and reality realised that such an amount of power could not be held by a mortal body, and Percy exploded, with all of the chaos settled by the camp's magic.

After the campers found the wreckage, they couldn't decide on who should clean up the mess, but eventually came to an agreement. The one who made the mess should clean it up.

And that, dear reader, is why there is a mop and bucket permanently placed on a rotting brown patch on the Camp Half-Blood beach.


	2. 2: Annabeth goes to Goode-Scenario 1

Wanting to surprise her boyfriend Percy, Annabeth decided to switch schools, even though her current school was probably better than Goode. As she walked up to the school, she took a look at the exterior. She would soon regret it, as the aesthetic quality, or lack thereof was so horrible that she promptly wend completely insane for half an hour.

When she walked into the school, she asked where Percy was. Everyone she asked thought she was either really mean or insane for wanting to look for the socially awkward guy. She found him sitting alone on a bench next to someone drawing blueprints for something. She started conversations with both, but eventually got occupied with the one doing architecture blueprints.

_10 years later:_

Annabeth and the architect from Goode got married as Percy starved to death in the streets. The end.


	3. 3: Chaos

Percy was depressed. Why? His girlfriend of x number of years had just non-canonically broken up with him, his parents were dead because nobody on Olympus had the common sense to provide some security, and most of his friends had ignored him because some new half-brother who could never win over anyone and steal people's trust in real life had done so in camp. All of a sudden, a man in all black popped up in front of him in a flash of darkness.

'I am Chaos!' said the man.

'Who?' replied Percy.

'Chaos! Creator of the Universe and the Primordial Gods!'

'How come I've never heard of you?' asked Percy sceptically.

'I… work in mysterious ways.' replied Chaos unsteadily.

'What do you want with me?'

'Well, you see, I, the omnipotent creator of the Universe am completely incapable of killing anyone in spite of my previously mentioned omnipotence. Therefore, I need to hire squishy little mortal humans to do my dirty work. You, the latest recruit, will be the head of my forces. However, you can't meet your parents and friends in the afterlife because I've resurrected your dead friends, but haven't had the sense to resurrect your parents. You in?'


	4. 4: Guardian of the Hunt

Annabeth had just non-canonically broken up with Percy for his jerky brother who couldn't win over anyone, as detailed in the previous chapter (see above). Now, he was on Olympus, with the gods deciding what to do with him. Some drunk idiot stormed in and screamed that he should guard the Hunt.

'We don't need protection!' Artemis protested.

'I don't care. This depressed, hormonal, unstable, slightly cocky teenager who hardly knows you will serve you well.' replied Zeus.

'As a moving target?'

'"Whatever", as they say.'

This did not work well. Soon, the severely injured 'Guardian of the Hunt' was placed on slave duty, placing him in further depression. Eventually, he was so incapable of work that he was put out of his misery by way of target practice.

And that, boys and girls, is why there is a human-porcupine hybrid skeleton in the Natural History Museum.


End file.
